If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
