he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
