everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
