dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
