remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
this just has baby written all over it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
