Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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