I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
