someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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