woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
