just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I need to align my fucking chakras
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
