I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
