I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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