it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
