I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
