if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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