mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
