Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
