I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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