shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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