he thought i was a dude.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
