Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
