Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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