I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
