I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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