Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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