Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
