Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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