All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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