I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
