Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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