I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
