My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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