Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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