Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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