I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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