Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
