Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
