she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
