somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
