Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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