do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
