i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
