I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
