Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
