What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
