3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
