Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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