ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
