I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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