So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
