she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
