He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
