Ambien. No doubt about it.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
