My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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