I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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