if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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