ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
