I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
