I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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