Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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