Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
