why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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