I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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