After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
